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Old 03-30-2012, 12:01 AM   #126 (permalink)
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why is 6 afraid of 7?

7 has an extra penis
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:02 AM   #127 (permalink)
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Why was Ted on the side of the milk carton?

He wasn't. Even tho he was missing the fact of the matter was that nobody cared.
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Old 04-03-2012, 09:58 AM   #128 (permalink)
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i was diagnosed with clinical depression the other day

it made me sad
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Old 04-03-2012, 05:20 PM   #129 (permalink)
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why does mrs claus get mad at santa?

he comes once a year and it's down a chimney
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Old 04-04-2012, 01:26 AM   #130 (permalink)
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm...
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Old 05-17-2012, 02:43 PM   #131 (permalink)
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This thread is hilariously funny. I think it deserves a bump
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Old 05-17-2012, 02:52 PM   #132 (permalink)
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A blonde walked into a bar. Dozens of men bought her drinks. She died in a car accident while driving home drunk.
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Old 05-17-2012, 03:22 PM   #133 (permalink)
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Are you from Ireland?

No, why?

Because when I look at you trace amounts of blood rush to my penis due to the fact I am sexually attracted to you.

Knock knock?

Who's there?

The Secret Police here to murder you.

Just kidding.

They wouldn't knock.
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Old 05-17-2012, 04:13 PM   #134 (permalink)
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What do women and fishermen have in common?

The smell.
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Old 05-17-2012, 04:30 PM   #135 (permalink)
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Why don't girls in Alaska wear skirts?

Their lips get cold
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Old 05-17-2012, 05:32 PM   #136 (permalink)
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a woman give's birth to a baby, 8 lbs. 2 oz. The doctor comes into the room and says "maam did you know you have an intersexual child?" and the woman replies "what is that? I am not sure of it" the doctor replies "your child has the organs of both sexes male and female" and the lady replies "you mean my child has a penis and a brain"
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Old 05-17-2012, 05:50 PM   #137 (permalink)
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One day a man was taking his shitsu for a walk. While on his way, he ran into a little boy that was very excited to see the dog. The shitsu licked the boy and wagged his tail. Moments later, it ran into the road, got hit by a car, and was twitching and bleeding everywhere. The little boy wasn't excited anymore.
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Old 05-17-2012, 07:45 PM   #138 (permalink)
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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was lonely.
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Old 05-17-2012, 08:00 PM   #139 (permalink)
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A man's car breaks down in front of a farmer's house in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night. He walks to farmer's home and knocks on the door. The farmer answers the door and tells the man that it is too late to help the man at that moment, but that he could stay inside his home until morning and then he would take the man into town the next day to get some help. The farmer's only request is that the man doesn't have sex with his beautiful, big breasted 18 year old daughter. The man agrees and goes inside and falls asleep in the farmer's guest bedroom. About a half hour after falling asleep, the farmer's daughter enters the guest bedroom and wakes up the man. She offers to make all of his sexual fantasies come true. The man says that he is not interested, and he then proceeds to the farmer's bedroom in order to tell him about his daughter's unwanted sexual advances. The farmer thanks the man for being an upstanding individual. The farmer then beats his daughter. When morning arrives, the farmer takes the man to town. The man gets the help he needs from the local mechanic. In the mean time, the farmer's daughter dies from her injuries and the internal bleeding she suffered at the hands of her father.
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Old 05-17-2012, 08:06 PM   #140 (permalink)
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why did monkey fall out of the tree?

because it was dead
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Old 05-17-2012, 08:07 PM   #141 (permalink)
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Quote:
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why did monkey fall out of the tree?

because it was dead
crap someone beat me to it
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Old 05-17-2012, 09:05 PM   #142 (permalink)
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I guess thats not a ratherunique joke then lol!
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Old 05-17-2012, 10:14 PM   #143 (permalink)
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what's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a ferarri?

i don't have a ferarri in my garage
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Old 05-21-2012, 02:35 PM   #144 (permalink)
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One day there was a family taking a hike around a beautiful lake, with gorgeous rocky cliffs around it. Peter the young boy, played gleefully in the water, while Emily the young girl caught butterflies. Karen, the mother, was happily taking out lunch from a pic-nic basket to feed her family. Bob, the dad, was fishing in the beautiful blue lake. Everything was great, until a rock fell off the cliffs, and split Bob's head open in the front of the family, while he moaned and bled to death all over the pic-nic backet.

It was a long hike home.....
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Old 05-21-2012, 07:34 PM   #145 (permalink)
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Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and your unit?

A: You don't have to beg your girlfriend to blow your paycheck.
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Old 05-21-2012, 09:33 PM   #146 (permalink)
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So two cops were driving around a dangerous part of their city at night, when suddenly one of them had to take a massive dump. They stopped their squad car at a gas station and the one who needed to crap jumped out and ran to the restroom as fast as he could. While he was in the bathroom, a couple of masked men entered the gas station's convenience store. The cop who was still in the car noticed the two men and followed the men into store. He yelled at the men to stop where they were and get on the floor. The masked men did not follow the cop's instructions, so the officer shot them both to death. The cop who was crapping heard the gunshots and was startled by the loud bangs. He promptly wiped himself and entered the store. The first thing he noticed was his partner with his weapon still in his hands and shaking uncontrollably. He tried to console his partner to help him stop from quivering so violently. It didn't help, so he tried to take his partner's weapon from his hand. While attempting to take the weapon, the gun went off and killed the store's clerk. Surprised at what had happened, the gun wielding officer was suddenly stricken with grief. He committed suicide in front of his partner, and by shear bad luck the bullet went through not only the suicidal cop's head, but through his partner's as well. Both cops fell to the floor dead within a split second of one another. That was the worst Halloween night ever for those two cops, the store clerk, and two deaf mute masked men.
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Old 05-21-2012, 11:31 PM   #147 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chipmaster View Post
One day there was a family taking a hike around a beautiful lake, with gorgeous rocky cliffs around it. Peter the young boy, played gleefully in the water, while Emily the young girl caught butterflies. Karen, the mother, was happily taking out lunch from a pic-nic basket to feed her family. Bob, the dad, was fishing in the beautiful blue lake. Everything was great, until a rock fell off the cliffs, and split Bob's head open in the front of the family, while he moaned and bled to death all over the pic-nic backet.

It was a long hike home.....
this might be the best joke of the whole thread
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Old 06-15-2012, 12:01 PM   #148 (permalink)
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need more jokes
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Old 06-15-2012, 12:47 PM   #149 (permalink)
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What is the longest sentence in the english language?

"I do"
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Old 06-15-2012, 12:48 PM   #150 (permalink)
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Where do you find a quadriplegic dog?

"Right where you left him."
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