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Old 04-09-2012, 08:15 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Random Jokes Thread

Too lazy to properly search out another thread of the same.......


Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other."Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:15 AM   #2 (permalink)
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:16 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Jim and Lisa are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
‘Lisa, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?’
‘Oh Jim, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question...’
‘Yes, Lisa, I really want to know. Please.’ ‘Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.’ ‘Three? When were they?’ ‘Well, Jim, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?’ ‘Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?’ ‘Oh, Lisa, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?’ ‘Well, Jim, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you?’ ‘Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?’ ‘I can't believe it! Lisa, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife.’ ‘To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?’ ‘Well, Jim, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?’
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:17 AM   #4 (permalink)
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What do you call a cow that can't give milk?

An utter failure.

What do you call a cow that can't give milk?

A milk dud.
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:58 AM   #5 (permalink)
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What do you call a german virgin?
Gudentight
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:02 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Did you hear about the gay Indian?

He was a brave sucker.
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Old 04-16-2012, 12:41 PM   #7 (permalink)
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A man in a Walmart Supercenter tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some a-hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,

“And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

' Canada , sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'

'No #@#@#@#@?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?
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Old 05-31-2012, 03:52 AM   #8 (permalink)
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A latìna woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids."WOW," the social worker exclaims, are they ALL YOURS???"
"Si, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down, Pedro." All the children rush to find seats."Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Pedro." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Pedro, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Pedro. Then she is introduced to the newborn boy, named Pedro.
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Pedro?" Their Momma replied, "Well, si senora--it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Pedro!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Pedro!' an' they all comes a running. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Pedro' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Pedro." The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "I call them by their last names."
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Old 05-31-2012, 03:52 AM   #9 (permalink)
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A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?"
The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?"
The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whorehouse, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whorehouse door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE. I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
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Old 05-31-2012, 04:13 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Did you hear the Ellen Degeneres commited suicide? They found her face down in Ricki Lake.
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Old 05-31-2012, 09:10 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped from prison?




She was a small medium at large.
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Old 05-31-2012, 05:59 PM   #12 (permalink)
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How come Mexico never wins a gold medal in the Olympics?

Because all the ones that can run, jump and swim are already in the United States!
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Old 05-31-2012, 06:09 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redantshurt View Post
How come Mexico never wins a gold medal in the Olympics?

Because all the ones that can run, jump and swim are already in the United States!
lmfao......
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Old 05-31-2012, 06:24 PM   #14 (permalink)
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How do you make ten pounds of fat look attractive?


Put a nipple on it
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Old 05-31-2012, 06:31 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Member Sales/Trade Feedback - Blowout Cards Forums
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Old 05-31-2012, 06:42 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Chuck Norris is having sex with a hooker in a semi. Some of his man juice lands on the seat. That truck is now Optimus Prime
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Old 05-31-2012, 07:06 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Why do cannibals not eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
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Old 05-31-2012, 07:14 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jklugh View Post
Chuck Norris is having sex with a hooker in a semi. Some of his man juice lands on the seat. That truck is now Optimus Prime
Winner. Man that's funny stuff.
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Old 05-31-2012, 07:25 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Whats the difference between Batman and a Black man?

Batman sometimes goes out without Robin!!!
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Old 05-31-2012, 11:59 PM   #20 (permalink)
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What do you call a Mexican boy?


"Paragraph", he's too short to be an 'essay'
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Old 06-01-2012, 12:00 AM   #21 (permalink)
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What do you do with 365 used condoms?


Recycle them into a tire and call it a "good year"
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Old 06-01-2012, 01:03 AM   #22 (permalink)
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What's 12 inches long and white? NOTHING
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Old 06-01-2012, 01:30 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Little Johnny was in class one day when the teacher said, "Today we're going to test your thinking skills."

She started off by opening her lunchbox and saying, "I see an object that is red and round."

"Oohh, Oohh, Misses Blanch," said Young Suzy, "I know, it's a ball"

Misses Blanch said, "No Young Suzy, it's an apple, but I like the way you think."

Next, Misses Blanch opened up her desk drawer and said, "I see something that is about 6 inches long and yellow."

"Oohh, Oohh, Missies Blanch, I know." Said Danny, "It's a banana!"

Misses Blanch said, "No Danny, it's a pencil, but I like the way you think."

"OOoohh, Misses Blanch, I've got one," Hollered out Little Johnny as he stuck his hand in his pocket, "I've got my hand on something about 3 inches long and hard,"

"LITTLE JOHNNY!" exclaimed Misses Blanch...

Little Johnny said, "Nope, it's a nail, but I like the way you think..."
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Old 06-01-2012, 01:56 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by possom813 View Post
What do you call a Mexican boy?


"Paragraph", he's too short to be an 'essay'
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Old 06-01-2012, 06:50 AM   #25 (permalink)
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My Wife was screaming at me, "Leave!! Get out this house!" she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied, "Wait, so you want me to stay?"
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