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Old 10-15-2013, 09:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Has anyone ever had to deal with actually watching a loved one die?

If so...how do you deal with the questions of what if?

Got home from work around 8 this morning and tried to relax a little like always. I hadmy daughter an extra day and a half due to her being on fall break, so was waiting for her to wake up.

She did..i asked if Mimaw was still sleeping (my mother..yes different topic of conversation for a different day if you must).

She said no, she just told me she was getting up to make me breakfast.

10-15 minutes or so go by and nothing..i go checkon her. Looks like she had rolled back over and went to sleep. Normal im thinking..since she doesnt sleep much as it is.

Few minutes later i hear a loud crashing noise. There was construction goin on next door outside, so couldnt tell if it was that or not.

Got up again to check on my mom..and she was sittin in the bathroom floor. Apparantly it was her thatmade the noise. I asked what happened...did she fall..did she need help...and she looked at me and said she just passed out...

she started to get back up on her knees and her feet...and she didnt answer me so i assumed she was ok.

Came back in the living room to check on my daughter, who was fine, sitting there watching cartoons.So i went to check on my mom again...

She made it back into bed...but i heard her making weird noises andl ying on her side.

She was gasping and struggling to breathe...almost seizure like, eyes swollen and rolling back in her head...tried to get her to respond, but she couldnt..immediately dialed 911.

They tried to tell me how to help her as best aspossible...lay her flat..remove pillow..tilt head back...so on so forth

but she was already "cold" by the time EMTs arrived...

so..she died in my arms asi watched herlast breath...

sorry for the long thread/post

but if anybody has dealt with anything like this and has advice..other than the usual pray..id love to hear thoguhts
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Old 10-15-2013, 09:15 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I can't imagine what you are feeling with it being your mom. I had to watch a close friend with cystic fibrosis struggle for breath in an icu room for hours before finally her body just gave out. Most horrible thing I've ever witnessed. Only thing I can say is time heals. It's probably going to take a while for you to get passed this. The number one advice I can give you is there is no shame in needing to talk to someone. Often I think people don't go to psychologist/psychiatrist because they have a certain ideas about them or what others will think. You need to talk about it and not bottle it up. Good luck to you.
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Old 10-15-2013, 09:16 PM   #3 (permalink)
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sorry for your loss, both of my parents have passed, I always think what if..
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Old 10-15-2013, 09:22 PM   #4 (permalink)
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It isn't easy at first, but it gets better.

I watched my dad pass away in June. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him at least once, but I know that is suffering is over (kidney and heart problems plagued him for the last 10 or so years). Even with his problems, it was completely unexpected.

There are things you wish you could have said or could have done, but don't beat yourself up over it. It is unfortunate when loved ones pass so soon, but as long as you keep them in your memories, they will continue to live on. Some days will be tough, but keep your head up.
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Old 10-15-2013, 09:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I'm sorry that you lost your Mom,especially this way. It's not an easy thing to deal with,but with time you'll make peace with it. Time is the key. I know this because my Mom died suddenly when I was a kid. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
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Old 10-15-2013, 09:48 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I am so sorry for your lost. May she rest in peace. I cant imagine what you are going through. The others who posted gave great advice. Keep the good memories close and your head held high. Best wishes buddy.
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Old 10-15-2013, 09:51 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I am very sorry to hear about the loss man.
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Old 10-15-2013, 09:51 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Watched someone deteriorate rapidly over a few months time. Not a pleasant thing at all. Bad memories all around.
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Old 10-15-2013, 09:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Wow! Sorry to hear about your mother. couldn't imagine what you had to go through. need anything were all here for you.

I was in the room when my grandpa passed away. very hard!
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Old 10-15-2013, 10:02 PM   #10 (permalink)
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A different level but when my grandma was in hospice, she hasn't spoke in over a week and I came in and told her I loved her and she said clear as day I love you too Adam, many times that night she did so until I sat there praying, hands in hand till she took her last breathe. Miss her each and every day, good luck to you I know praying for got to give me strength is the only reason I have been able to get through life without her.
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Old 10-15-2013, 10:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I am sorry for loss. Please go find someone to talk to about your grief; counselor, close friend, therapy group, etc.
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Old 10-15-2013, 11:38 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I don't really know what to say here. I'll start by saying that I'm so sorry to hear about what you had to go through and that your Mother has passed. That is very sad. I've never been through anything like this, so I can't really imagine. I really hope that you and everyone else in your family are OK and that you can take comfort in each other's company during this difficult time, as well as in all the days you have together in the future.

In one sense this must have been difficult to go through, but think about this: your mother was with YOU, her son, during her last moments. Not alone, wishing someone was there with her. She had you. You held her, watched her leave us. That is extremely important, I think, as well as poetic. She, in her mind and spirit, must have died at least a bit more peacefully knowing you were there with her.

Again, so sorry for your loss. I'd love to shoot the sh*t with you if you ever want. I wish you all the best.
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Old 10-15-2013, 11:59 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Sorry for your loss, Cant imagine the pain.
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Old 10-16-2013, 01:23 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Sorry for your loss, nothing else I can think to say as I've never been in this situation and can't imagine the pain you may be in. Only thing I can think to say is take care for your daughter on this situation, not sure how close she was to her grandmother or how old she is but I'm sure it will be tough for her at such a young age.

You and your family will be in my prayers.
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Old 10-16-2013, 01:56 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I was with my grandmother in her last few days of life. It's hard, but the one good thing about being there in the end is that the person you are with won't be alone in their final moments. My condolences.
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Old 10-16-2013, 07:00 AM   #16 (permalink)
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I had something along the same lines happen with my dad 3 years ago .....I still cant really talk about it ......basically I went to do my morning job and came home and he was laying sprawled out across his bed barely breathing when I called the ambulance ...less than 24 hours later he was gone
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Old 10-16-2013, 09:12 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I lost my dad in my arms as well. Had a massive heart attack, was on my way home and got a call from my mom. Stormed through the doors trying to do cpr but it was no use. Paramedics came and pronounced him dead. 10 years ago, but it still seems like not that long ago.

The best thing to do is to cherish those that are around you even more. Forgive those who have wronged you and make amends. Seek forgiveness from those you've wronged. My dad was my best friend but our culture tends to not show much emotion so we really never got to say things that should've been said. There is nothing you can do about what happened, but now there is something you can do with those that are still with you.
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Old 10-16-2013, 09:19 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick2317 View Post
I had something along the same lines happen with my dad 3 years ago .....I still cant really talk about it ......basically I went to do my morning job and came home and he was laying sprawled out across his bed barely breathing when I called the ambulance ...less than 24 hours later he was gone
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Originally Posted by dvstringz View Post
I lost my dad in my arms as well. Had a massive heart attack, was on my way home and got a call from my mom. Stormed through the doors trying to do cpr but it was no use. Paramedics came and pronounced him dead. 10 years ago, but it still seems like not that long ago.

The best thing to do is to cherish those that are around you even more. Forgive those who have wronged you and make amends. Seek forgiveness from those you've wronged. My dad was my best friend but our culture tends to not show much emotion so we really never got to say things that should've been said. There is nothing you can do about what happened, but now there is something you can do with those that are still with you.
Geez, guys, so sorry to hear about this.

I'll be honest right now...."the call" that dvstringz talked about, that is the call I fear the most. I just don't know what I'd do. I don't know how I'd handle it.

So sorry you all had to go through these events.
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Old 10-16-2013, 09:22 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Watched my grandpa go from an active old fun dude to a vegetable in a matter of 2 years. Sucked royally. Died less than a week from my birthday and a month before I graduated college and I was so mad at myself for not graduating when I was supposed to because I wanted to goof off in college.
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Old 10-16-2013, 10:54 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cdub6238 View Post
...

but if anybody has dealt with anything like this and has advice..other than the usual pray..id love to hear thoguhts
-Everyone deals with pain and loss differently. Some turn to their community for support. Churches, veteran's groups, even month book clubs can provide an emotional stability and perspective on these things that help people grind through the pain.

Others will look inward, perhaps talking with a therapist, pastor, or network of friends to develop their own plan, of sorts, to navigate through it. And some require none of that, finding their own means of dealing with the emotions in ways both constructive and destructive.

No matter what your decision, and no matter your faith or lack thereof, the best advice i can give you (other than talking with someone more qualified than us to help) is keep going. Find that thing that makes sense for you, that helps you. You'll need to move through this, for your sake and your family's, so don't let this stop you or hold you up in your path through what little time we all have here.

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Old 10-16-2013, 11:05 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Very sorry to hear about your mom. You and you're family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 10-16-2013, 11:38 AM   #22 (permalink)
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My grandma went from healthy, retired nurse to her last day in a matter of months from cancer. It was the worst thing my family and I have ever had to deal with. The women in my family (2 daughters and a daughter in law) took care of her until she passed in her sleep. We all knew that this was coming as her cancer was very aggressive and no treatments were working. This rapid decline caused us to be able to be with her more than we usually would and shared our love and appreciation for what she did for us through the years. We again had to go through this with my grandpa just a short year later. I got to say "See ya next week" the last time we visited but he did not make it that far. Lost my grandma 2 months before my wedding and my grandpa 2 months before my son will be born. Both of those things were and will be hard to not share these experiences with them. Just always remember they are there in spirit and will always be by your side.

Im not sure if your mom had any health issues from your post or if this was just out of the blue. May she rest in peace and hope you can find peace with yourself. Don't be afraid to open up to those around you either and be strong for your daughter.
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Old 10-16-2013, 03:19 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Thanks for all the kind words and advice.

As far as prior medical issues..

she was diagnosed with cancer in her kidney back around July 4th; however they caught it soon enough and had a robotic/laser surgery to remove a small piece of her kidney in late August.

She had been working 2 days a week, and was recently this past Thursday cleared by her urologist to resume full time work (waitressing).

She had..what she believed..somekinda of arthritis in her hip as she had a hard time walking on one side.Although she had been working through it and dealing with it for years. Thats part of the reason why she didnt sleep much, as she could neverget fully comfortable with her leg/hip bothering her.

She did have a historyof high blood pressure...and had a bout maybe a month or so ago of where she could feel it..ie headache, hurting etc but she stayed calm and tried to stay as relaxed as possible and it calmed...

she hadnt mentioned anything to me lately..other than having a bout with upset stomach..and was just fine workingMondaymorning,and the wholetime she was home that afternoon/night.
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Old 10-16-2013, 06:23 PM   #24 (permalink)
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I watched my dad get shot and he died in my arms.

Yeah. It royally messes you up in the head.

Sorry you had to go through that
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