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Old 11-13-2013, 03:16 PM   #26 (permalink)
Join Date: Mar 2011
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hahahahaha we all fell for it.....
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Old 11-13-2013, 03:21 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Location: Elm Street
Posts: 1,660

Sounds messy, looks like you will be driving your wife's car for a while!!
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Old 11-13-2013, 03:22 PM   #28 (permalink)
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 13,262

I'd never read it.

I've seen this one recycled by many.


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman
needs something to protect herself with, right??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwa ve.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit
I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living roo m.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but
was too numb to know for sure and my sense of s mell was gone. I saw a faint
smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still
looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'
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Old 11-13-2013, 04:37 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Posts: 5,478

Way to ruin my fun.

Posted this last year in Draft release day too!
:turkey: :turkey: :turkey:
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Old 11-13-2013, 05:18 PM   #30 (permalink)
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 849

Hopefully this doesn't show up on your carfax report if you sell it....

"$15,000 firm."
"You took a dump all over the drivers seat."
"$5,000 off. Final offer."

I watch way too much TV.....
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Old 11-13-2013, 09:23 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Location: New York
Posts: 3,698

Best story I've ever read, sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted to but I'm sure you're wife would love to hear it.
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Old 11-13-2013, 09:58 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Location: Banned
Posts: 15,068

I hope you don't get suspended for it like I did
If you don't reply to pms, you are a COWARD
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Old 11-14-2013, 12:01 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Posts: 5,051

I literally laughed out loud at the end of this post and woke up my wife haha
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Old 11-14-2013, 12:55 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Posts: 751

HAHA, I really did laugh out loud after reading this! I know the feeling oh so well!
I used to collect Albert Pujols, Roger Maris and some sets. Not so much these days.
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