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Old 11-13-2013, 02:30 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default The Gamble

So I was set to drive my wife’s car today instead of my beloved SUV. She needed an emissions test and I promised to do it for her.

I had a bunch of errands to run, so I started pretty early – around 7 AM. I know rush hour sucks in the Omaha area, but I decided to brave it so that I could finish my errands early in the day.

So, I took a big swig of coffee and headed out. As I left the house, I noticed a slight gurgling feeling in my stomach. I briefly considered going to the bathroom before I left, but I figured I was pretty safe as my usual BM hits around noon.

I was driving down the I-80 corridor and ran into a ton of traffic at the I-80/I-480 spur. As soon as I realized that I’d be sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic for a while, my stomach started to rumble again. This time it was more worrisome because I felt a tinge in the old poop chute. I began to curse the coffee I guzzled.

I tried a few different body positions, but my intestine continued to percolate.

I did what I usually try to do in this type of situation: think of something else. So I turned up the radio and listened to Howard Stern. I started having some pretty bad cramps. I figured that, instead of trying to think about something else, maybe I should try to think of nothing at all. So I went to Plan B: turn off the radio and try to think of a blank, white sheet of paper.

Intestinal festering did not cease. At this point, I started getting nervous. The road was packed with cars, we weren’t moving very fast, there was no exit for quite a while anyway, and (worse yet) no area on the shoulder to “hide” whilest doing the deed. This was the stuff nightmares are made of.

Now I was starting to panic. The cramps were worse, and every 30 seconds or so I’d really have to tense up to keep the lump in my intestine from traveling south. My forehead started to sweat and I felt a hotflash coming on.

Still not much movement in traffic. Still no exits. Still no good shoulder hiding place. I thought maybe if I turned the A/C way up, it would having a “freezing” effect on my new nemesis and slow the potential mudslide to a crawl, allowing me time to find a gas station or at least a good wooded area. The A/C felt good for about two seconds until I realized that the shivering of my body was not allowing me to fully concentrate my muscles on keeping the backdoor shut. I backed off on the A/C.

I was in a full panic at this point, knowing that the end may be nigh. My mind darted through all of the options this car gave me. Did I have a plastic bag anywhere? No. I had an empty 20 oz bottle of lime Diet Coke in the cupholder – but the hole at the top was too small. Perhaps I could gnaw through the midsection of the bottle to create a bigger opening? Don’t be an idiot. Maybe I could just use my shoe as a receptacle and then drive straight home? I didn’t think I could pull that off – this was bound to be too messy to fit in a shoe.

At this point I did what any reasonable person would do. I prayed to God. Now I realize that God has much to pay attention to: giving life to embryos, tending to the sick and hungry, ensuring that certain religious athletes perform well in big games, etc. However, at this point I selfishly wanted God to focus all his attention on ensuring that I did not have to drive home wallowing in my own filth.

There was one last option. The Gamble. You see, there was an outside chance that this lump getting ever closer to my sphincter was (mostly) gas. If I took The Gamble and won, I would at least be awarded several more minutes to find someplace to finish it off. But, a loss is a big loss.

After about 10 more seconds I decided to take The Gamble. I took a deep breath. I felt like Thelma and Louise when they finally decided to drive off the cliff. Except I’m a guy. And I was in the car alone.

I took the Gamble. And lost.
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Old 11-13-2013, 02:34 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I am going to go out on a limb and say that your car probably will stink for a few days, weeks and possibly months.
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Old 11-13-2013, 02:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
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This is a sad story.
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Old 11-13-2013, 02:50 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
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This is a AWESOME story.
Fixed yer post.

Yes OP may have shat himself but material can be cleaned and the story is classic.
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Old 11-13-2013, 02:51 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I have to say this is one of the most beautiful stories of our time. The anticipation had me wanting to read on. And the ending, well I had a hard time keeping quiet at work. I can't wait for the motion picture.
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Old 11-13-2013, 02:54 PM   #6 (permalink)
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How was the walk of shame?
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Old 11-13-2013, 02:56 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I would HATE for this to happen to me.
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Old 11-13-2013, 02:57 PM   #8 (permalink)
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The only way this could have been worse is if there were another person in the car.

Has anyone ever been out with a bunch of friends and been stuck someplace having to hold back a motherlod of 'rhea?

That's how I know if someone is truely a friend: I can just say "Listen, I have to go pee out of my ass." without being embarrased.

This happens to me a lot. So much so that as soon as I enter a public area, I start scanning for the can. I know the location of all the bathrooms in my grocery store, movie theatre, and shopping mall. I'm constantly calculating in real-time which bathroom is the closest from where I'm standing. I almost never get out of a restaurant without "marking my territory" in the little hombre's room.

I wish the cars navigation had a "find nearest crapper" command.
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Old 11-13-2013, 02:57 PM   #9 (permalink)
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As Michael Jackson would say, "You are not alone..."




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Old 11-13-2013, 02:58 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Standing by for the darkness and consequences in chapter 2..."The wife finds out"
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Old 11-13-2013, 02:58 PM   #11 (permalink)
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This is why I never drink coffee before road trips because I've seen this movie before.
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Old 11-13-2013, 03:01 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Best story in the history of BO.... I need a follow up though. What happened after you lost??? There has to be a lot more to the story! This was simply the beginning.....
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Old 11-13-2013, 03:03 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shortstopguy12 View Post
Best story in the history of BO.... I need a follow up though. What happened after you lost??? There has to be a lot more to the story! This was simply the beginning.....
I asked him about the walk of shame... Did he woddle? Was is contained in whitey tittles or did it fall out of the boxers? Was it a sloppy one and instantly went everywhere?

So many details are not stated.
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Old 11-13-2013, 03:05 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I #@#@#@#@ my pants once boarding a flight out of Vegas. Drank and partied wayyyyy too much the night before, and I tried to squeeze the cheese and wound up shitting myself in front of a hot middle aged woman.

It's was a LONG rough ride home
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Old 11-13-2013, 03:09 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Sounds like your system had emission problems. You should move to Florida, no emission taxes.

Coffee is the best laxative.
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Old 11-13-2013, 03:09 PM   #16 (permalink)
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old people problems?
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Old 11-13-2013, 03:11 PM   #17 (permalink)
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a very similar thing happened to me recently at walmart..i lost as well...good thing is i fit right in there :turkey:
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Old 11-13-2013, 03:13 PM   #18 (permalink)
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You guys think this is an original story?

The Gamble - Bob Is The Oil Guy

Gambled on A Fart And Lost - Bodybuilding.com Forums

The Gamble
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Old 11-13-2013, 03:14 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bradical View Post

I wish the cars navigation had a "find nearest crapper" command.
Coming soon. Really! We are in the early stages of development.
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Old 11-13-2013, 03:14 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gmrson View Post
I have to say this is one of the most beautiful stories of our time. The anticipation had me wanting to read on. And the ending, well I had a hard time keeping quiet at work. I can't wait for the motion picture.
Couldnt agree more...
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Old 11-13-2013, 03:15 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Quote:
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Yes - the city was switched to Omaha - original.
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Old 11-13-2013, 03:15 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Oh my god that was just too funny, I'm dying right now laughing at my desk and couldn't even tell people why I was laughing so hard when they asked.

Quite literally the best post I've ever read on here, hilarious
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Old 11-13-2013, 03:16 PM   #23 (permalink)
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^ Great job at unearthing these stories, which all pre-date the OP's story. Plagiarism at its finest!!!!

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Old 11-13-2013, 03:16 PM   #24 (permalink)
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damnit, why'd you ruin this, just made it nowhere near as funny knowing this now

oh well
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Old 11-13-2013, 03:16 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Quote:
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Yes - the city was switched to Omaha - original.
Oh and he changed the type of car. My bad everyone.
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