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Old 03-25-2014, 04:31 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default The Blowoutcards Roast of Ray27Ray52/Tajikey

Okay folks, this is coming up pretty soon, so this will be the official thread for the proceedings, but I gotta get some formalities out of the way first.

First of all to all the nonroasters out there please help us out here by adhering to the following guidelines:


IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED STOP READING NOW


You can comment and participate in the thread but I ask that you please refrain from joining the roast. Everyone had a chance to volunteer to participate at the beginning. In the interest of fairness the roasters are not allowed to pick on you, so I would expect you all to respect the roasters and all the hardwork they have put into this.

Guidelines for the roasters:
You can only roast the people on the volunteer list posted below. Special permissions have been given out on specific jokes on some members, but that is an exception, not the rule. Please keep jokes in as good a taste as possible, and at a PG-13 level.

Tajikey will wait until all roasters have presented and then he will be able to roast all the roasters.


The list of participants is as follows:

Guest of Honor
ray27ray52 & Tajikey

Roasters
mmbtvs
ilovethelakings
37jetson
ssbledsoe (respectfully has dropped out because of lack of interaction with new guest of honor) (Update: Will still post his original set)
jlzinck
tnarg (respectfully has dropped out because of lack of interaction with new guest of honor)
Rafa33
GoJays
Manmadeofsteel (respectfully has dropped out because of lack of interaction with new guest of honor)
groundsupport
Clarka3 (maybe)

several members were on the list to be a roasters but dropped out because of the change in roastee. Please feel free to roast them irregardlessly.

I will act as host and will present first on April 1st. The rest of the Roasters can proceed thereafter as time allows for them to do so, to be complete by April 2nd or so.

Thank you, and happy roasting, everyone!
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Old 03-29-2014, 04:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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It's a little early but my set is ready so, I'm gonna go ahead and let it rip.


Once again I’d like to thank everyone who has a greed to participate including our wonderful guests of honor EJ, and Matt. Let the roasting begin.

It’s an awesome group that we’ve managed to assemble here today. We have our old mainstay ilovethelakings here with us. What a year Everett has had. A lot of you may not know this but he is currently in a battle with the National Immigration and Customs Service to see if he actually has to keep his family or is going to become the creepy old guy in the corner of the strip club with a breakfast buffet. Right now he’s losing the battle as he can’t convince the government that his kids are Mexican citizens.

37Jetson of course has returned to the roast this year. He would like to appear in person to deliver the roast but unfortunately he is still on house arrest for stalking Jeremy from Florida. When you were talking about picking up some jewelry I was assuming it was for your wife and not your own ankle.

ssbledsoe has joined us this year. Doesn’t his name just sound like a sinking ship? The S.S. Bledsoe. Who’s your 1st mate on that boat? Gilligan? My guess is that it end up with you in the same place as him, marooned with 2 hot chicks that won’t bang you.

Jon Zinck of course is back this year. What a way to go. From Guest of Honor to sympathy guest on the dais. My god Jon, if I only judged you based on your facebook drama, I’d guess you were a 13 year old girl getting her period for the first time lashing out at the boy at school who dipped her pig tales in ink. Hey, let me know how wet the newest twilight movie makes your vag.

And tnarg. What a fat bastard this guy is. The truth is Grant has never left his house. Not because he is afraid of what is outside, but he can’t affoard the construction crew needed to take out a wall to fit his ass through. I’m kidding of course. Of course what I’m not kidding about is that the “dune buggy” as he calls it is really a rascal scooter.

Rafa33. WTF? I’d like to be able to make fun of you here, but after reading your posts I think it would be considered a hate crime.

Gojays. Of course I’m happy to see you here as we welcome people from all the Americas to participate in our roasts. Gojays is Canadian as you all know. That means that his set will be 75% less funny than it would be if he was American and did the same set. Eh?

Then there is Manmadeofsteel. There is not going to be any joking here. I seriously have no idea what you are talking about 90% of the time. I feel like there is intelligence in there, but it’s crossed with a handful of dyslexia and and a pinch of growing up with hooked on phonics tapes replacing actual teachers. I’m assuming you were home schooled by Jor El, and the real problem is that English is not your first language.

And groundsupport. What can I say about you that hasn’t already been said about Rush Limbaugh. I thought I was conservative until I met you. You make me look like a founding member of pussy riot. Your political views are so out there that if you had been sitting next to Abe Lincoln in that theater, he might still be alive today.

Then there is our resident nerd Clarka. Andy is a teacher of course. He swore that he was inspired to leave a little bit of himself in the youth today. That of course explains why the youth of today are as weak and lame as they are. Andy doesn’t need to shop for clothes anymore, he simply sews all of his participation ribbons together to make a jump suit.

Then of course we have the man of honor himself EJ. I’m writing all this weeks out, when he has disappeared for about a month, which means I don’t know if he’s going to show up for this or not. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m 53% sure that he’ll be here. If someone could let me know if that is a majority or not, I would really appreciate it. I’m terrible at math. If you don’t show up EJ, then god rest your soul. That is the way that the roasts normally work. So many Guests of honor have disappeared after the roasts that I’ve had to put a CSI on retainer.

All fun aside of course, I am thrilled to death to have EJ getting roasted today. And I hope to hell he is able to log on and read all of us having fun with him. I know that he gets frustrated at stupidity sometimes, but I also know he loves to have a good time, and has a great heart. Here’s to you EJ.

Last but certainly not least we have Tajikey. It’s absolutely wonderful that he was willing to step in on short notice and be part of our little blast fest. His normal little blast fest is what he calls sex with his wife. Tajikey is a stomach with arms and legs. His last food challenge involved eating four live chickens, a handful of gravel and a jar of white liquid that he got from a homeless person. On a related note Tajikey now has something in common with Magic Johnson.

On a serious note, I want to thank you dearly Matt for joining us here. You are a terrific sport and you were a welcome addition to this occasion.

And to the rest of you boys, especially 37Jetson and his questionable sexuality, I say, flame on.

Guest of Honor
Ray27Ray52

Roasters
mmbtvs
ilovethelakings
37jetson
ssbledsoe
jlzinck
tnarg
Rafa33
GoJays
Manmadeofsteel
groundsupport
Clarka3

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Old 03-29-2014, 09:54 PM   #3 (permalink)
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So we're all here to roast RayRay, who has been kind enough to up and disappear like a fart in the wind since being nominated. What is there to say about a guy who made his user name after two guys with the same first name and a similar reverence for the laws of this country? For Christ sake RayRay, this is Baltimore not 'Nam in '68. Then again, 'Nam in '68 was nicer than Baltimore any day. What's the Ravens motto, where there's a crime there's a RayRay?
While RayRay has a firm loyalty to the woman beating pimp killers on his favorite NFL team, he has no loyalty when it comes to his card collecting. 2/3's of his PC guys are on teams that don't trot out a band of octogenarians to play music that would make their ears bleed...if they could hear... RayRay also PC's players with the same position as his High School nickname "wide receiver."
Speaking of nicknames, we're lucky enough to be joined by King WindowLicker jlzinck. I'm sure Jon will start some sort of benevolent giveaway to make the rest of us to feel like the mouth breathers he ridicules at his office.
Another giveaway king, mmbtvs will make the logical choice and choose an avatar that doesn't give half the board nightmares. Speaking of mmbtvs and nightmares, ilovelakings decided to follow Corbin around some more. How long until the restraining order is back in effect?
37Jetson will probably tell us all to, "Get off his lawn", again.
groundsupport is here. I can't wait to read the SportsPickle article he wrote on RayRay.
tnarg is here too. I'm sure he'll just neg RayRay for being absent so much and "slow posting." The last roaster I'll make comments about is GoJays. Our resident Canuck will probably just pull a Terrence & Phillip and flap his head around rambling incoherent phrases only to periodically fart and utter a recognizable "eh."
In all reality, it's an honor to "share the stage" with these great members while roasting RayRay. RayRay has truly been a fantastic member of the BO community and it's been a pleasure to "roast" him. At the end of the day, we're all here to have fun and hopefully have a few chuckles. Good night!
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Old 04-01-2014, 08:52 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Let’s get this thing started. Jon Zinck (jlzinck) has a prominent seat in the front row. Ladies and Gentlemen put your hands together for the Yarmouth’s most accomplished resident not that the townie windowlickers and derelicts provide any competition to Jon for the recognition because they are all his relatives. Being the only conservative in New England helps Jon craft his sarcasm skills. His Blowout Board Bitch Slapping Trophy is on prominent display at The Cultural Center at Cape Cod.

Time to return our favorite topic of sexual repression so that can only mean that our next roastee is Andy (Clarka3). Time to talk about the Queen City and it is undeniable love for Marge Schott and thirty year old fads. The sound of Marge Schott’s voice is equivalent to birth control for the rest of the country, but in Cincinnati it is an excuse to get naked on a waterbed with your wrinkly 220 pound gal, half a pack of Pall Malls, a Five Way from Skyline and a small tub of Graeter’s Ice Cream.

Rafa33 – who are you? I have never even heard of your name dog. Here is a bone, go fetch it. While he is gone let’s turn our attention to another gift from SCF. Covers your ears and cover your anuses, Groundsupport is here fresh from his lifetime banishment from the Wilson Valdez Fan Club. He has moved his membership to the Elizabeth Dole Fan Club to show his true conservatism. How can you tell Elizabeth Dole has had sex? I bet you think the answer is “from the pen marks on her back”, but you would be wrong. The correct answer is her panties hanging from Groundsupport’s rear view mirror.

Go Jays is in the house tonight on work release from Canada. Since getting his man card clipped last year for his who is watching American Idol thread he has been a man on a mission to prove his manliness. He stopped grooming around his junk so he has found much more time to spend on his personal Tim Chevledae card collection. When he was sporting a hairless lizard he had changed his allegiance to Sidney Crosby and the Pittsburgh Penguins. Insert metrosexual joke here. Now that he is back to being an unkempt Molson swigging Ontarian he has returned his allegiance back to the Toronto Maple Loafs who I understand make the playoffs every year. Too bad they never come close to winning anything. Speaking of hockey let’s change to the west coast.

Everett (ilovelakings) works with school children needing extra attention. Everett likes to give away sportscards to the children as a form of extra recognition. Since he was running low on cards of modern players he thought that he would sneak in a 1988 Topps Keith Comstock. The young boy on the receiving end stared intently at the card and motioned like he wanted a hug. When Everett went in for the hug the young boy punched him in the ribs and whispered in his ear, “I will take out your cat if you try to pass off another San Diego Padres common to me”. Who said the youth of today are not in tune with the hobby? Everett snapped back to the boy that he did not have a cat. The kid replied, “I never did associate you with p*ssy in the first place”. Hello? Hello? Did they cut my microphone?

Corbin’s Blowout Roasts have scared away so many roastees that we refer to him as the Terminator. I am glad that I was not around in July 2007 for the Modern Blowout Board Birth because that is when the Corbin Terminator arrived here naked and on a mission. Some people claim that Brad is a stale old fart, but I know his issues stem from being the first Blowout Holdover Member to see Corbin naked. Brad describes the situation as being like seeing Danny Bonaduce in his Birthday Suit. At this point does anyone want to know about Corbin’s Terminator mission? I bet you all can’t get the thought of a naked Corbin out of your mind or are you all more concerned that he is a Ginger?

Before moving on to the guest of honor, it is necessary to bring the spotlight back to the biggest attention whore in the room, me. Corbin, if you were to announce that I am the 2015 Blowout Roastee it would provide a few people joy for 365 days in the anticipation of me disappearing shortly after the 2015 roast. Imac7065 would be happier than the time that in a Red State Waffle House Bathroom he shagged a Birkenstock sporting Cal-Berkley woman wearing a hemp dress covered with anti-conservative buttons…in his dreams. All the mutants in the Basketball Forum would not have to look up the meaning of “cesspool” every time I mention it in reference to their forum. Even davepeters239 would feel so bad about my departure that he would not have the will to erase any more autographs from his Oscar Taveras Bowman Chrome Autograph Rookie Cards for at least a few days.

Ok, enough about me. It is time to provide some attention to our guest of honor. Tajikey’s personal eating challenges are what legends are made of. I imagine it must be tough for him to sell his plasma and then plop it all down for one burger feast at In and Out. This wafer thin Californian eats more calories in one sitting than the number of calories consumed by Karen Carpenter in a binge eating week. Is it too early for that joke? It has been what 30 years? I know you people are overly sensitive. If you are looking to recognize Tajikey in public his hair resembles a week’s growth on a Chia Pet. Tajikey has a great grin, like the one who ate the canary, it’s cage, the dining room table and the entire contents of the pantry. I know what happened to my own metabolism, Tajikey ate it. I know what happened to the Malaysian Jetliner, Tajikey ate it. I know what happened to the missing link, somebody made it into an extra large burger and yep Tajikey ate it.

I could say that yall have been a great audience, but that would be far from the truth. The collective geekdom exhibited in this room would make the members at a Star Trek Convention laugh in a mocking sort of way. I hope that yall learned something today. I don’t think I could have harped any harder on the fact that yall are lemmings and geeks that need to get laid and in loving honor of Crystal I must close with God Bless.
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Old 04-02-2014, 10:18 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Update here. Jlzinck is going this weekend, ilovethelakings is going shortly, gojays sometime next week. groundsupport, and rafa are MIA. Clarka was a maybe in the first place, and tnarg and manmadeofsteel are dropouts.
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Old 04-03-2014, 01:25 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Please allow me to start off my set by saying thank you to all the roasters and our guests of honor, as well as Philly’s own avjp87, for being down with having their good names smeared in public. Some of you I respect and like and have had the pleasure to chat with on occasion. Some of you I know by name only, but find to be decent individuals. And some of you are Floridian or Canadian.

Speaking of Canucks, I see that GoJays has joined us for yet another roast. I still cannot understand why Corbin allows northern folks, such as him, to participate in these things. I guess he must have a soft spot in his heart for the humor impaired and mentally challenged. Then again, I guess Corbin really needed someone who can make with the haha for Ray27Ray52 and tajikey to understand. Poop! Fart! Boogers! Maple Leafs!

On the topic of the mentally challenged, let’s shift our attention to Clarka3. Let’s just say that this dude certainly puts the “special” into special education. I work in that particular field myself, and I decided to do a little digging about him being a “special” educator. What I learned was startling. He is in fact involved in education, but not as a teacher. No siree, Bob! He is in truth a participant in the program, complete with a helmet with extra padding and permission to ride the short bus without a chaperone. Don’t worry if you don’t understand any of my jokes, Andy. I have some extra challenging Wiggles coloring book pages for you color just in case you start getting too confused about what’s going on here. Thinking can be hard, and it can tire out a growing lad, such as you.

If there is one person who knows what is to be tired out, it is our guest of honor, tajikey. Word is that he was ass tired after a marathon hot dog eating contest on Castro Street. Could that be considered a gay joke? Perhaps so or perhaps it is just a comment that really sucks. Maybe our resident LGBT expert, Lance Bass lookalike mo’fo’, tnarg, would know best.

Grant, a.k.a. the lost member of ‘N Sync, has decided to grace us with his presence. I’ll openly admit that I would screw that man if we were stranded on a deserted island together for the rest of our lives. He really is a beautiful man. He is sexy as hell and nice head of hair to boot. However, I would be afraid of contracting one of the various STD’s given to him by manmadeofsyphilis…..er…..steel.

Most of us know that Corbin has had a pretty rough past year or so. His house was robbed. His home was set on fire. He found out he had cancer. All of those things had mysterious origins, so I decided to give BODA a call. With its assistance, I discovered that they all came about because of Rafa33’s unrequited love for Mr. Graham. If Corbin had just given in just once and allowed Rafa to have what he wanted, he would had saved himself a lot of pain and suffering. And as an added bonus, it’s a pretty sure thing that he would had had someone whisper “I love you.” in his ear while having carnal relations with him.

In Ray27Ray52’s family, there is a tradition that involves his grandpa giving his family members two letter nicknames because of something they are good at doing. His uncle T.D. is one hell of a football player. He has an uncle K.O. who was a great amateur boxer. He mom was nicknamed B.J. because of her skills on her knees. The apple didn’t fall far from mommy’s tree when good ol’ granddad gave RayRay his nickname, R.J., because of his ability to take to the rim like a pro. The funny thing is that he shares the same nickname as his grandmother, four cousins, his sister, and RayRay’s bastard made up child, so that gives you plenty of insight into his family.

As I look out in the audience, I can see a lot of familiar faces, including avjp87’s nephew, Dominic. You know what that means, right? It means that Uncle Anthony can’t be too far away from him snapping photos and videos to post on the forum. Why don’t you just get it over with and screw the boy already? And when that finally happens, I just know we will end up with a thread about it with some accompanying pictures to go along with it.

While on the subject of “petifiles”, groundsupport is here with us today. Our dear groundsupport considers himself to be a genuine American hero whose heroism and selfless acts deserve to be duly recognized by the masses. He has bragged to others how he was shot multiple times while on a deadly mission some years back. However, he had the courage to continue on, even while he was howling in pain and cursing the names of his enemies. Luckily for him, just before he lost his life during the thick of combat, his mom came down to the basement with cheese sandwiches and hit the reset button for him so that he could start his mission all over again. I’m sorry to break it to you, but you shouldn’t be expecting a Purple Heart from Nintendo anytime soon.

As most of you know, tajikey is a big eater. The dude can pack it away like very few others in the world. One of his main goals this summer is to take on last year’s chocolate-covered banana eating champ and end her championship reign once and for all. I believe Matt can do it too because nobody can match his prowess when it comes to gobbling long, brown objects.

Packing it in is not only tajikey’s talent. ssbledsoe has been known to pack it away in his own exceptional way. Rumor has it that Matt is jealous that he can pack as much into his mouth as ssbledsoe can do into his anus. That is really quite a feat if you sit back and think about it for a while. Last year, ssbledsoe asked a mod if he could change his username by adding an “A” in the front and the word “much” at the end to describe the painful result of his orgy with Corbin, Chris, and Jon. His request was unfortunately denied much to his chagrin.

Chris and Jon, a.k.a. 37Jetson and jlzinck. What can I say about these two gentlemen? Well, I’ll tell you what I can say about them. I can say that I would love for either of them to be my father-in-law. Is it because I respect them? No. Is it because I admire them? Oh, hell no! Is it because I would want a chance to inherit their collections someday? That would be a good reason, but nope. That’s not why. Why then would I want to be able to call those upstanding citizens my family? The answer is quite simple. They each have hot looking daughters who I would like to get to know in a deep, and I mean D-E-E-P, way each and every morning, afternoon, and night for the rest of my natural life.

Let me end this by saying one more thing about Matt. He is a recovering basketball fan, now Mariners fan (Is that a step up or down? You can decide.), who was once a big fan of Dennis Rodman. He adored his style on and off the court. To this day, his biggest fantasy is to dowse Rodman in tequila from head to toe and then eat The Worm. I, for one, wouldn’t bet against him being able to down the whole thing.

In the immortal words of Porky Pig, "That's all Folks!" [Drops the mic and moonwalks off the stage]
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Old 04-03-2014, 07:40 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Don't call it a comeback! Seriously, #@#@#@#@ off.

Anyways, this is my second year in a row doing one of these roasts. I'd like to consider myself a constant of the roasting scene, but I hear you have to do nasty things with Corbin to get that status, and I'm just not that interested.

Which brings us to our host, mmbtvs (or however it's spelled). Somehow, you managed to avoid a Hellen Keller joke last year despite your-god-awful grammar and punctuation. I mean, what is "mmbtvs"? Is it an acronym for something, anything? "Magic Mike would be the Best TV Spinoff"? Is that it?

Ilovethelakings decided to show up. Which isn't surprising, although it certainly doesn't seem like the wisest career choice. Yes, Kings continues to show up, year after year, similar to his precious L.A. Kings. One would think that Kings would've learned after 45 years of losing that persistence doesn't pay off, and that his jokes continue to be less humorous than ever. Unfortunately his Kings have won a Stanley Cup recently, so I guess we can expect another 45 years of Kings' hacky sets.

37Jetson is back. I think. Honestly, I can't remember. His set was so dull last year I literally have no recollection of his existence.

Fear not, Jetson. I decided to do a little research, look into your identity. Who you are, what you're into. And I still found nothing. You are one boring #@#@#@#@ Jetson. If I could compare you to a contestant on Survivor, you would be the one that gets voted off the island first because of an inability to finish the damn challenge.

Ssbledsoe is the "armyatc22" of this years roast. Yes, after originally agreeing, he quickly backed out, only to come back and agree to different terms (sorry Army, didn't get you good last year!). Bledsoe, I had initially prepared a yo mamma joke for you, but after careful consideration decided that a knock-knock joke suited you better. Yep, one could say I took my Drew Bledsoe and replaced it with a Tom Brady. You know what? That works better. Yeah, I like that. You've been roasted, bitch.

Jlzinck didn't seem to learn his lesson after last year's massacre. Yes, after being the butt of everyone's hacky jokes, you still decided to return. Jesus, what's wrong with you man? Is Hellen Keller your publicist? (I know, old habits die slowly). What a horrible choice this was for you. I'll save to the brutal stuff, and leave you with Bledsoe's knock knock joke: "Knock knock? Who's there? I am. No, wait, I'm not. No wait, yes I am". I guess that worked better with Bledsoe, but you get the joke.

Tnarg decided to be a roaster this year, which should make for some terrific jokes. Although I don't know you very well, you seem incredibly douchy to me, which in itself is a joke. Okay, not really, and I really want to make another Hellen Keller joke (they get easier and easier every time!), but I'll save you the repetitive crap and stick with the "douchy" comment.

Who the hell is rafa33? Well, whoever he is, he will be a roaster this year. Rafa is a big fan of video games; PS-One, X-Box 4, Wii 360, you get the drill. Yes, unlike most members on this site, who fill their time in their mother's basement with sports cards, rafa tries to relive his childhood even further by spending time and money on video games. Good for you, rafa. I'm sure once Wal-Mart becomes unionized you'll make well over minimum wage. And hey, what else can you ask for in a career?

Manmadeofsteel is a dear old friend of mine, and I'd hate to roast him too bad. I'd love to send him off with a classic Yo Mama joke or an HK quip, but this is a roast, not an episode of Friends. So, it only seems fair that I roast him as best as I can which, to be fair, isn't very well. So MMOS, it seems that I must reveal your deepest and darkest secret that you shared with me in confidence: you were born with seven eyes. Laugh if you must, but I was told this in confidence, which means that it is both true and meant to be told in a roast setting. Sorry MMOS, I'd love to help you out, but you aren't in Kansas anymore. Okay, you might be in Kansas, I don't know. All I'm saying is #@#@#@#@'s legit when it comes to roasts.

Groundsupport is an interesting fellow. I don't know him very well, but the fact that he doesn't have a "69" at the end of his username is usually a sign that he's a decent member (apologies to those born in 1969 and using it as an homage to their birth year, you really should've waited for 1970 to come). Since I spent so much time researching other roasters, I decided to pass on looking into GS' history. So let's just assume there's something wrong with him and move on.

Clarka3 is another roaster. I guess. I don't know. I'd lie to you and say I have some crazy stories of Clark, but I don't. He's probably the most useless person here; he's not funny, he's not smart, I'm not even sure he collects cards or watches sports. Now that Migraine's gone, his existence now the most pointless on our forum. So enjoy it while you can, you pathetic #@#@#@#@.

Now, to our guests of honor. Guests, that sounds stupid. For no particular reason, I've decided to give RayRay a pass on this one. No point roasting a guy who'll never get to feel the pain.

Which leaves you, Tajikey. You ousted an inactive member to become the main target of the roast. Good for you, I'm sure you and all the other classy hicks of Visalia, California will enjoy your victory.

It appears you are a Seattle Mariners fan for some reason. Yes, I'm sure like most people living in Detroit-like ghost towns, you dream of moving to the big city and getting out of your hell. Not sure what compelled you to pick the miserable waste of space that is Seattle, but to each their own. Some people have no standards, I guess you are one of them.

One thing Tajikey and I can agree on is the genius that is True Detective. He and I have had some compelling conversations about the show, including an interesting one about who we felt was the hottest. And while I answered with the obvious, Alexandra Daddario, Tajikey went with 2012 Matthew McConaughey, and even when I tried to change the subject he insisted McConaughey was incredibly hot. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but seeing the Carcosa-esque McConaughey shrine in his basement was just a little creepy.

There, that's all. Godspeed, citizens.
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